continuation from the previous one (part two, itS LONGER NOW!)

i am a liar. 

i said i would wait, but recently i have grown tired of relentlessly looking out the window; of restlessly looking when i step onto the train, helplessly and desperately clawing to get a glimpse of you.

but recently, i have been thinking even if you did, by some miracle

come back, i would not let you.

because recently, i only hear the sound of my crying and feel the ache in my chest— the humiliation and betrayal of me serving myself to you on a silver platter, but you rejecting it immediately.

i had given you a part of myself and despite you promising to never dishonour it, you chewed it up then spat it out like i never mattered.

you say this hurts for you too, but the hurt, we experience differently. because as you lie on your bed knowing that i still hold out for you, lie or not, you chose to let me go to bed feeling alone, as if for the past few months, i had been alone in this all along. 

you kicked me while i was down, in attempt to get me to stand again. that is the love i have always received, but not the kind that i wanted from you. you broke me and i ashamed of it. i am utterly disgusted by how pathetic and unbecoming i have become for a mere boy.

and for that, forgive me when i say this, but i cannot bring myself to forgive you. although all i want is to do the opposite— to smile at you, assure you that i am okay. but i have always been honest about how i felt with you.

so today, i will tell you that i do not forgive you. 

i love you still, but there are mistakes that must be atoned for.

until the next time we speak, 

i hope you are healthy and happy.

i hope you do not resent me.

and i hope you forgive me too. 

- 1.25am 3nov -

dear erika, 

i hope someday you learn that you can't beg anyone to stay if they want to leave.

i hope someday you love yourself enough to know that none of this was your fault.

i hope someday you'll be able to look in the mirror and see yourself for who you are, and not who you're not.

i hope someday you will realise that people change, and it's not because you were not enough.

i hope someday you receive the happiness and laughter you are so determined to give

most importantly, i hope someday you forgive yourself for becoming someone you swore you'd never become.

- 12.51am 28nov - goodnight, sleep well.

talking to my dead dog about my ex-boyfriend

but it all boils down to me

and how desperate i was to be comforted 

be loved

i wanted so badly to be understood

for once

i wanted to be the one crying

i wanted to be the one getting cared for 

i wanted someone to rely on

but i should've known better

some things are too good to be true

i am the cause to all my problems. 

- 10.53 am 2 oct -

everyday 

i see you in my house

glimpses of your presence

like phantoms passing through 

on my sofa 

in the dining room 

patting my dog 

but as you fade away from my horizon

your shadow is all you leave behind

and i am forced to see them wherever i go 

ghosts only i have the sight to see.

- 7.35pm 5 oct -

in the night

you visit me in my dreams 

you never speak

you never move

you only stand a few feet before me

and you smile

i dont know if hours go by 

or maybe minutes 

whatever time i have 

i remember every inch of your face

every wrinkle 

every spot

i think as time goes by

i will see you less clearly

as my memory of you erodes

but as you stand before me 

so close yet so far away 

i cant help but wonder

if you see me in your dreams too. 

i hope you don't.

- 8.10pm 8oct -

in a hazy state, she whispers

"i had this dream many times

i wont fall for it again."

his hand reaches for hers,

"its not a dream

im right here."

she doesn't respond

thinking she fell asleep,

he begins to stand up.

but then she mumbles,

"dont come back

dont come to me even in my dreams

its too painful 

i want to stop thinking about you

even for a day."

- 5.15pm 10oct- reenacting that kdrama

my friends tells me 

that you never deserved me

that its your loss

but i know better.

- 3.45pm 12oct -

in the depths of the night 

i haunt myself with the sight

of you and someone new

i watch as she makes you laugh 

and you look at her as if

i never existed 

and she's the best thing that happened to you. 

you smile, 

and although the knife twists even further,

it is nice to see you smile.

- 8pm 13oct -

nowadays when i meet someone new

i shy away from them 

and close myself off

it could be something 

as innocent

as just conversing

it feels wrong.

it feels like cheating.

how did you do it? 

- 8.03pm 16 oct - questions i wish i could ask

walking away is easy

when there is nothing much

to walk away from. 

i would know.

- 8.10pm 19 oct - 

in which i realise that there is never the wrong time

only the wrong person. 

- 9.53pm 20oct - 

 sometimes i think my friends were right.

- 12.10am 20oct -

it hurts, 

but you will heal.

not today,

not tomorrow,

but someday. 

when that day comes, 

you will be able to go by a full 24 hours,

without having to think about him,

or anything he has touched. 

for he never deserved to.

he never deserved to touch your heart,

even if you believe the opposite.

-1.11am 23oct -

there was a girl 

dark brown hair

big doe eyes 

bangs covering her forehead

and the brightest smile on her face

her mother reach down

her fingers caressing her cheek 

cupping the fragility in her hands

almost afraid to let go

she tells the little girl

" you have to be strong, 

when others are not,

you will have to be their pillar. 

you will be brave in times of darkness

you will hide your shaking hand as you look at the devil in the eye. " 

" you will be afraid, little girl,

in times of loneliness, you will thrash and you will cry,

but you will not yield,

you will stand in the darkness,

and you will learn to start a fire. " 

" for you are not helpless,

and you will not be beaten down,

you will choose to be braver

and kinder every day,

until you do not remember what you were once afraid of" 

" for you are the light

the world has yet to know it needs. " 

- 1.34am 26oct -

 i am nice, 

and i am friendly,

not because i am letting you in again.

i miss you most 

at times when my house is less than stable. 

when there is a war 

right beneath my roof

and i feel helpless and forgotten. 

i miss you most 

at times like those

because

i fear i have already made you my home,

without asking if you wanted to the key. 

- 7.16pm 27oct -

all this time

i have asking questions

screaming

at the moon,

hoping that it is you 

that will hear me from the other side. 

but most times

when im done projecting my feelings

i know you are already asleep,

and it is only the stars blink back at me.

i suppose that is how it has always been. 

- 7.12 am 30oct -

since it happened

there have been things i have cordoned off

places i cannot visit

songs i cannot listen to 

the consequences are grave

my mind melts

and the tears flow. 

i want so bad to forget 

to live again 

to walk down streets and not 

recount the steps 

of where we used to be. 

i want to stop obsessing 

to stop letting you take 

my happiness away

but i cant help it.

- 5.31pm 31oct -

i suppose it is because you know 

i wouldve given you anything

that resulted in you deciding

that i shouldnt be giving you anything at all.

- 5.29pm 2nov -

when you left 

you made a giant gap 

in the shape of you.

a month after you left

i mourned the missing space

leaving flowers in your absence. 

two months after you left

i begun attempting to fill in the void

with friendship and alcohol

scavenging to find a cure for my emptiness and the end of the bottle.

now, 

i meet with friends

i try my hardest to show you im okay

but if you knew me at all

you would know im stalling, 

dragging time to keep me from falling apart.

- 11,46pm, 3nov - a love letter to you, or at least, the shape of you

break ups are like that

you break every promise you ever made along the way

there is no right

or wrong

only acceptance

and forgiveness

forgive you for breaking them

forgive myself for believing in them.

- 4.12pm 10nov -

i have tried, 

i tried washing away memories, 

by replacing them with new ones, 

with friends and people i love, 

but the devil has been meddling in my affairs,

turning golden things into broken friendships,

and as i try to wash away memories, 

i wake up the next morning, 

scrubbing as my skin,

feeling disgusting 

and dirty 

and disgusting,

cleansing myself of unwanted hands, 

washing a part of me as i do so. 

- 3.47pm 11nov -

do you miss him, erika? 

do you 

truly

miss him? 

or do you only miss the idea of him? 

- 1.01am 17nov - i know the answer now

you deserve my friendship,

and you deserve my respect,

but you do not deserve my vulnerability.

not anymore.

do not mistake me. 

- 3.28pm 18nov -

i have learned that 

as much as they say they will be your pillar,

they will not.

only you can heal yourself. 

so next time when you hear those words again,

give them your prettiest smile,

but do not believe them. 

you will be your own pillar. 

- 9.25pm 22nov -

every time we speak

i always end up asking myself

what made me fall in love

in the first place? 

- 12.07am 28nov - 

note:

no tea no shade. the past few months have been a rollercoaster for me and i have the entire ride in a chronological order because i'm pretentious like that. this is not me trying to be rupi kaur, this is just my heart poured out in words. heartbreak can be beautiful, as long as you don't step on the broken pieces. i'm closing a chapter in my life because things just clicked in my head and i realised throwing everything away for a mere someone, simply isn't worth it. as much as you are willing to give. 

life goes on. things will suck, but there are better things ahead (like cute muji boys). also, if you are here, i am not a blogger. i do not update this blog at all and i dont like 90% of the things i've written on here. most of them make me cringe. okay thanks for reading. love you. 

and for you, you already know this, but i wish you all the happiness in the world. you've given me comfort when i needed it the most last year and this year, you've given me strength too. i cannot thank you enough. 

so in the words of the iconic ariana grande, 

thank you, next. 

interaction between chemicals

even as i question,
as i doubt,
me,
my capabilities,
my potential,
i never second guess
my feelings for you.
even as i am always
walking on a tight rope,
with you, however,
i dance gracefully on the edge,
believing,
and trusting,
that there will be a safety net
waiting for me
as i fall.
- 9th June, 14.48 -

the truth is,
i am afraid
and i am fragile.
i am terrified of
being alone,
of getting hurt,
of being the last one chosen.
i am so scared,
that i have pushed everyone away,
always keeping those i love in armslength.
i have ended up,
hurting them,
instead.
- 9th June, 14.54 -

i don't want to lose anyone
i don't want to lose anyone
i don't want to lose anyone
i dont want to lose anyone
i am scared
i am scared
i am scared
i am sorry
i am scared
i am sorry
i don't want to let go
i am sorry
i do not know what i will become
i am sorry
i am scared.
- 9th June, 14.55 -

i do not remember much
of what happened.
i only recall,
the anger,
the rage,
at myself.
the disgust,
the disappointment,
of my flaws.
my incapability,
my inability to be enough.
i remember
how suffocating it felt,
how ashamed i was,
as the words i never want to hear,
wrap around my body like a warm duvet,
sweat soaked bed sheets,
draped around me,
clinging on to what remains of my essence.
i just remember
how much i wanted it all to stop.
it wasn't until the next day,
when i saw
crooked swollen lines on my skin,
painted with the colour of a sunset,
warm crimson red,
stained with blood.
it was too late.
i was over the edge.
i was too far away from shore.
- 9th June, 14.58 -

i am trying
my hardest
to be better
to be calmer
to be normal.
i am desperately
finding other ways
to breathe again.
i want to be better
for you
and for myself.
but to want,
is much easier than to do.
i will try,
but baby,
i will fail.
- 9th June, 15.00 -

i think about life,
in ripples,
and interference,
because of my parents,
i do not love easy.
because of death,
i am hard to be loved.
because of one small disturbance
in the calm,
it caused an interference
in the clear water.
and it will never be the same again.
- 9th June, 15.04 -

the definition of being a good friend,
is something i am unclear about.
is it a pledge,
to be there
through ups and downs,
though highs and lows,
to love and respect,
to understand and forgive?
if so,
then i have never had a real friendship.
because as i write the most beautiful of vows,
to protect
to fight for,
i always end up,
breaking my promises.
- 9th June, 15.07 -

old friends

if i chose to stay,
will you hold my hand,
and sit with me,
through my horrors,
and my screaming?
will you stay with me,
even as i force you out the door?
will you wait by my window,
throwing rocks,
as you stand under the rain?
if i chose to stay,
will you do the same?
- 6th May, 16.25 -

if i had the gift of art,
i would paint your eyes,
on the ceiling above my bed,
as a reminder for when i wake,
that if ever i chose correctly,
i too,
could have eyes,
that shine just as bright,
as yours.
- 6th May, 17.00 -

for someone that thinks love is
but a myth,
you sure do seem to enjoy writing about it.
- 6th May, 18.14 -

what i hate about my mornings
is when my dream ends
and you are not beside me.
- 6th May, 19.00 -

i wish i had the courage
to plunge into the deep water,
to free fall over a ledge.
alas
i do not have that kind of bravery.
however
what i do have is strength;
the strength to grip onto a blade,
even as it pierces through my skin,
the strength to wait awhile more,
the strength to stay.
- 6th May, 19.02 -

if, maybe, i guess

if i had fingers,
that were delicate at touch,
i would run the tip along,
the sharpness of a knife,
dragging skin on blade,
watch it bleed helplessly,
then i will use the crimson,
to paint roses of red,
as a reminder,
that life and death,
are intertwined,
that sometimes it takes wanting to die,
to feel most alive.
- 7th May, 18.32 -

if i had hands of a builder,
i would build a fortress,
for my sister,
because i never want her,
to see the glint in my eyes,
the happiness in my smile,
as i burned the world,
into nothing
but
ash.
- 7th May, 18.34 -

maybe if i had stayed longer,
let my heart linger awhile,
or looked into your eyes,
for just a moment more,
we would still be as we once were,
you would still be beside me,
and i would still roam without you,
alas,
that girl was not brave enough,
and i am that girl,
no longer.
- 7th May, 18.36 -

i apologise in advance,
if i break your heart,
for i had no intention,
of doing so,
but sometimes people trip on their own two feet,
and i am sometimes messy,
but always clumsy,
so forgive me,
my love,
if my butter fingers,
accidentally shatter your heart,
forgive me,
for i never meant to be this way.
- 7th May, 18.39 -

maybe i am only good at languages,
because i desire to know pain,
in every culture,
to decipher intonations within each word,
to decript meaning behind every sentence,
maybe i only enjoy listening,
because i like knowing emotion,
the rage in veins,
the hurt in broken hearts,
maybe i only like these things,
because i do not feel,
because i am incapable of feeling.
maybe i want to feel.
- 7th May, 18.46 -

if i understood agony,
i would reign hell,
on earth,
i would let blood hounds,
scour the streets,
let them run wild,
leaving nothing else,
but the smell of copper,
and of blood,
if i understood agony,
i would thrive in power,
but i do not understand,
therefore i stay within the walls of my room,
reigning hell on no one else,
but myself.
- 7th May, 18.49 -

i guess my biggest flaw,
is knowing all my flaws,
is keeping a long list of them,
stashing them between the cracks of my heart,
plastering up empty voids,
and if every word on the list is true,
then,
i guess my biggest flaw,
is me,
entirely.
- 7th May, 18.58 -

there is a minor flaw.
in this system that we live in,
i have been told,
over and over,
that it gets better,
that when i wake up,
the skies will be clearer,
brighter,
but time and time again,
i am left high and dry,
digging my own grave,
falling into it myself,
snatching for jewels and crowns,
that my soul cannot afford.
- 7th May, 19.03 -

but i guess there was no,
promises,
happy endings,
rainbows and sunshines,
perhaps,
there is only night skies,
and thunder storms,
perhaps,
instead of colour,
we can have the spectrum of chromaticity,
converge into one,
perhaps,
instead of fading away,
we can become one,
a burst of light,
a strip of silver lining.
- 7th May, 19.11 -

occupied space

sometimes i wish i was enough for you, 

and sometimes i think i am, 

but most times i know i’m less of her than i should be, 

which is ironic because i know she feels the same about me,

she is as inferior to me, as i am to her, 

i think all of this results from the facts that we share the same toilet, 

and we look into the same mirror, 

so maybe we both see the same shitty person. 

sometimes it’s so hard to breathe,

and sometimes it’s so hard to exhale,

but most times it’s so hard to keep existing,

it’s not that i’m depressed,

it’s just that i feel like i’m just there, 

occupied space, 

i never know what i’m doing, 

and im always crying,

and im always thinking about death,

and writing poems about how beautiful my grave should be. 

-that other day, that other time.